guess its time. to talk.with you.
about what hurt me when i was little and what i can not forget, forgive, or just let go of.
my dad.
as loving as father can possibly be, and as demonic as a tyran the others.
he was drinking, 2 a year, but so that the whole city knew, here he comes!
i hated him.
him coming before the sun, yelling,smoking cigars and turning on Visotskiy as load as he could.hate Visotskiy singing.hate.the lyrics are precious, but the voice the guitar.. cant stand it..he was yelling so loud, when mom would close their bedroom the worse would start.
he never swears, never when sober, but here.. never could imagine the things.
he would yell that he would fukc my mom if she would not open up, saying how worthless she is,
sometimes mom would tern for help to my younger brother, and this was truly scary and ..so disgusting .. she was so miserable ,helpless,
he was 11 i recall.
his 'apa', the look of him when he saw us in this days-trying to pretend that there is no huge drunk green elephant in the room, and he would say this 'apa' i do something resembling the high-5..

i love him
i terribly do so
at the wedding he got drunk first in 5 years i believe, and i could not stand the site of him,
wanted to run away as far as i coul seeing mom and brother again with this expression on their faces, the one from the nightmares
this was the first drama,i believe as i was hardly 3 and i remember coming up in the morning heading to the parents room and the glass door was all broken, glass everywhere,mom trying to put us back as not to hurt ourselves, but i saw him in the door way- smiling at me ..

i cant forget this,i did forgive each and every time, but the still next time of mom screams was to come,
2 a year
spring and fall
fall was the worse
with school and fake smiles
and going back home, to this smell of cigars and alcohol

what is it all about? marseille the team my now husband is supporting just won the champion's title and he returned from the pub
smelling so strongly like an alcohol, i burst in tears and screams of my own, i cant not do so, i must not but ..

he yelled back that he is not my dad, he would not drink, and had to write, i had to share this. this huge drunk green elephant
that was inside for a damn long time

@музыка: piter fm

2010-05-13 в 23:29 

Kate.. oh dear. I suspected that, I could tell that you were uncomfortable at the wedding, but of course I never knew the full story. Dont let the past get to you. I know how it feels, I am myself like that, never able to break away, never able to let go or forget, but you must try harder then I do in this case. People are different, believe in Seb, because I believe in you.
love you, sweetheart


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